Changes abound

Well, after five years of practicing in Maryland and spending 34 years here, I'm picking up and moving. I accepted a position in Greenville, North Carolina. Please tell me I'm not crazy. At the moment, I feel like the little girl from the Exorcist. Yikes. I have to be there by September 22nd.

I drove down and arrived in NC at 230 in the morning on Friday, napped, interviewed for about 3.5 hours, drove to Raleigh for dinner, got lost more than once trying to find Route 264, went 40 miles to0 far south, got up at 530 on Saturday because I was floored how right it all felt, drove home, spent the day with the Bickersons (aka my parents who by the way are finally happy after 40 years) in Northern VA looking at condos they couldn't afford and spending more time in the car, drove to a friends, caught up with and finally, got home at 11:00 on Saturday night. Whew was I in overload. But I had not time to think, it was just act.

So, around comes Monday. Sheer anxiety and panic. What if I said something wrong, what if I did something wrong, maybe I should have worn nylons but damn I couldn't find anywhere to get them on my way to the courthouse, what if they couldn't understand my Baltimore lingo, etc. etc. etc. I was an absolute mess but all of that on top of, what the hell am I thinking picking up and moving! But honestly, the time is write and its with a wonderful group of people.

I'm so jinxing myself here but I can't believe how things are falling into place. On Tuesday morning, the offer came about 30 minutes before I needed to be in court and I've been up and running ever since! I think I have an apartment lined up, the movers are coming Tuesday, I'm dealing with the landlord issue at my current place, the separation agreement has been returned without any changes, I gave notice to work, doctors appointments are scheduled, car is going to the mechanic tonight for new tires, etc. etc. etc. I am trying to keep the multiple lists to a minimal but we all know how that goes. My goal is to work from one notebook but lord knows, I'm the queen of lists. Oh well, I'm just going to keep plugging at it. My fingers, toes, legs, arms, and at times, my eyes are crossed that things continue as smooth.

I may be MIA for a bit but once I settle in NC - where I don't know very many people - I'm sure that I will be better at write. In the meantime, I'm hoping to keep up a steady jog as opposed to sprinting to the end of this marathon.

Debates? Disagreements? Opinions?

"Too many people have lost the art of basic disagreement. They personalize rather than debate. It only seems to get more thin-skinned."

This status was shown on Facebook by Michael Caputo. Michael is an analyst with Minnesota Public Radio.

I honestly have so much to write about this statement that I don't know where to start. So, for now, I am going to head out to meet Michael and get a tour of the station ands talk to him about his thoughts on it.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear anyone elses thoughts.

PS. Today's fabulous shoe is yet to be determined. But, all in due time!

What's Missing?

As a first started to write this post (I know - its been a week and a half), I found a picture of a pair of dirty, worn out tennis shoes. I've been feeling that way lately. Feeling like I am exhausted, both physically and mentally; feeling like things are going on so fast around me (okay, so maybe Air Jordan's would have been better) that I couldn't get my hands or head around any of it. So many times during the past week, I've felt the gerbil on the wheel that continues to spin until his little legs give out - but only I was wearing the dirty tennis shoes.

But then I realized, I had lost my balance. I had lost my focus (which actually is pretty common to be honest...wait, what was I say). I work very hard to keep both in check as I know how I can be when one or the other is out of whack. It had been a long time since both were not in the right place. However, after I realized it - I did nothing about it. I let it continue to spiral.

So, sitting here in St. Paul, I am committing to myself to rediscover my balance, my focus, my whatever they call it. I have two days away to really clear my head (oh, I should probably mention my divorce complaint was filed on Monday but more to come on that later) and put on a brand new pair of pointe shoes and rediscover the balance I have lost. I hope to be tiptoeing my way back into BWI on Saturday night.

Walking In Someone Else's Shoes

Meet Christopher Hansen, a.k.a. Bud, as his family called him. Christopher was like any other 12 year old boy. He enjoyed spending time with his dogs, Angel, Max and Buttercup and cheering for his favorite football team (sorry, I just can't write the words cheer and Dallas Cowboys next to each other - blah). From what his mom says, Christopher was always smiling and loved the outdoors. However, unlike other children, Christopher had Cerebral Palsy. Even though the doctors told his mom that he wouldn't be able to do anything, he proved them wrong day in and day out. Christopher passed away last Tuesday.

So, after reflecting on Christopher's life for a few days, I am not writing about a specific pair of shoes that I find appropriate for today's blog. Instead, I am writing about a little boy and his family - a little boy's determination to do what he was told he could not do; a family's strength and courage to help him do what was believed to be impossible and to be happy. The picture above shows Christopher's determination. Though it took him days of hard work and pain, he was finally was able to enjoy, like every other child, the joys of riding a bike. The expression in his face tells us all how happy he was at that moment.

Side bar: Christopher's mom, Heather, and I went to high school together. Though we haven't seen each other in years, in planning a high school reunion, we reconnected online last August and talk from time to time about this or the other.

For me, I had never attended a viewing or funeral for a child. And to be honest, I waffled back and forth about going. With the help of a couple of friends, I realized I had no choice. I needed to go - even if I could help out in some way with the logistics - Heather and her family needed all the support they could get.

As I walked up to the funeral home door, I did not know what to expect. Thankfully, the chapel was, um...more welcoming than any I had been in before and the modern music playing in the background helped alleviate some of my anxiety. Not seeing Heather, I sat in the back row, just watching everyone. I was scared to even walk towards the casket. I did not know how to act; what to say.

A slide show of pictures caught my eye. Watching these pictures, I saw a determined boy who loved to smile. However, then it hit me - like a ton of bricks - all the things that I take advantage of in everyday life. I think sometimes we forget about the little things. Watching the slide show reminded me of all of the little things that I have to be thankful for. So, thank you Christopher for reminding me to be thankful - all the time, as I have all a person should want for - my health, family and true friends.

So after talking with Heather and her family, I retreated off to the side. While sitting there, I realized something. What struck me even more than the pictures was the fact that even though he and his family were faced with such adversity, they able to find happiness. I overheard some of the conversations between friends, care givers, teachers and family members about Christopher and the happiness they found in being with him. I have to admit, I wondered why I had not found that happiness. What day of school did I miss when they taught how to be happy??? Why couldn't I seem to find feeling and hold on to it? But, that's a story for a different day.

Talking with Heather, her mom, her family and friends, I realized that Christopher made them all truly happy and that each of them has been able to hold to it. Even at this time of loss for them, you could see their happiness coming through. Though they may not know it yet, I honestly believe that they have all started to heal. The fact that the happiness was able to be seen through such a time of sorrow was amazing. In some people you never see happiness even at the best of times, yet even in this situation, they were able to laugh and smile about their relationship with Christopher. So, thank you to each of you for making me think, making me reconsider things, and helping me to see and feel the happiness you got from raising Christopher. I consider it an honor to have been touched by Christopher's life.

Lastly, to you - Heather, Gayle, your girls, your family and friends - Put one foot in front of the other and go a little farther each day. Some days, you'll take big steps but other days, you will stumble. On those days, we will all be here to catch you, hold you up, and send you along the path the next day. That's what friends and family are for - we're through the good times and the bad.

Tiptoeing in Ballet Slippers

After having been one to comment on other's blogs for so long, I decided it was time to give up my pen and paper (my pens were always missing thanks to the cats knocking them under the couch) and give this a shot myself.

I struggled to figure out an appropriate name, background setting, and personal description. But after struggling through that, I realized that I actually had to write my first post.

This thought was daunting. Should the first post be prolific? Interesting? Broad in scope? Intuitive? Stimulating? All I could think about is how am I going to write about myself. Will I be able to accept the comments that are posted. But then I realized, it’s just like walking into a room full of people you’ve never met - I introduce myself to you without the typical hot flashes I have from worrying about tripping over the microphone wires.

So, here goes....

I'm a 34 year old professional that has been reassessing my life and the choices I've made.

I've spent a lot of time over the past 20 months thinking about what I want out of life; how and why I am where I am; why at times I've let circumstances (though often good) dictate my choices; who really is important and my life; why I surround myself with certain types of people; why I can't get my butt to the gym more often; why I misinterpreted what I thought was happiness; why I was willing to settle for less than happiness; how I am going to deal with my parents relocating back to the area after 13 years; why I was scared to make certain decisions; how I can be proud not only achieving certain goals but also about the small steps that I take to reach those goals; how to take calculated risks; and well, this list could continue for a while.

Its been an amazing 20 months with both ups and downs. I'm sure many of my future posts will reflect on these experiences and how they have helped me to grow and learn more about myself and the people in my life.

I don't have a particular agenda in connection with setting up the blog but hope that I will be able to just be myself (and yep, that includes my silly, somewhat confused by really easy jokes, self). Oh and of course, I hope to be able to learn out how to walk without stumbling in my stilettos.

So, for today, I'm tiptoeing ever so lightly in a cute pair of ballet slippers. Given my choice, I would love to be wearing the cute little Kate Spade ones shown above.